Technology-Aware Parenting

Just Days Away

My wife Esther and I are expecting a newborn son in the coming months. Time moves so fast that I might as well consider it mere days at this point.

Amid the excitement and myriad of other complex emotions — I’m feeling a sense of uneasiness, specifically around technology use around my children-to-be. I don’t want to use screens as a crutch to raising them if at all possible (maybe it’s a naïve sentiment to think I can avoid them to begin with?). Regardless, I want to safeguard against impairing brain development or stunting an attention span too early on.

In Derek Sivers’ blog post, Parenting: Who is it Really For?, Sivers makes the case that cultivating a long attention span for your kids doesn’t only help them, but it helps you as well.

”Whatever he’s doing right now, that’s the most important thing. So I encourage him to keep doing it as long as possible […] Of course my adult mind wanders to all the other things we could be doing. But I let it go, and return to that present focus.”

I’d like to explore this concept more. So let’s dig in.

Screen Addicted

It’s no secret that I am a screen addict.

I work from home full-time where work on screens. Then I create videos for YouTube which uses screens. Occasionally I’ll watch a movie or show with my wife: more screens. And just about anything else I would consider a hobby other than actually spending quality time in-person with friends and family — you guessed it, it involves screens. The blog post I’m writing right now is happening on a screen.

My chief concern at this point is — will I pass that addiction on to my son?

He’s going to want to do what dad does; it seems inevitable.

What can I best do to protect him from it? The way I see it, I have two options:

1. Do nothing and hope I can manage to curb his behavior without affecting my own
2. Attempt to reform my own behavior by finding new hobbies or instilling habits that aren’t screen-first

Assuming 2 is the better choice, I’ll have to think through how to modify my habits to be less screen-reliant.

Battle Plan

The easiest way to curb a particular behavior is by offering yourself a viable alternative. It’s extremely difficult to quit something cold-turkey without replacing it with something else.

Generally I feel uncomfortable when people ask me about my hobbies. It’s not because I don’t have any, but when I talk about them they never seem to fit into what you’re supposed to say. I like making videos, making new websites, having discussions about niche topics, or researching 90s and 2000s era video game media. Things like that.

One big reason, I think, that my hobbies are centered around screens is they’re cheap, align with my interests already, and are convenient. Relatively speaking, the resources required to create a YouTube video, for example, may involve some upfront cost of equipment and software, but after that it’s essentially a rinse and repeat process, where I can always pick a new subject of interest.

Physical activities like walking, working out, or hiking are also relatively inexpensive, but generally don’t hold my interest like others do.

Regardless, I need to pull off the Band-Aid and decide a new, non-screen hobby is worth the investment, even if it involves spending more than I generally would to indulge in one of my more familiar hobbies.

My first goal, therefore, will be to take up a new hobby. Even if it’s a small commitment. So what should I be trying?

New Hobbies

I’ve taken a stab at a few hobbies. Here’s what I’m considering at the moment.

Reading

• Commitment: low
• Cost: low

So far I have been starting to read more. Not just listening to audio books (which certainly have their benefits), but actually reading a physical book.

The goal with this new reading hobby is threefold: (1) get used to regular activity without a screen, (2) instill a habit which forces me to elongate my attention span, and (3) start practicing an activity I can do with my son early on.

So far my wife and I have read Expectant Parents together. It had some great insights from a Christian perspective for what we can expect from the birthing process and just after. We’re also making our way through Street Smarts by Greg Koukl, which is about the art of asking good-faith questions to the unbeliever.

I’m doing some reading on my own as well, including John Gottman’s 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work and Sean Ellis’ Hacking Growth (although I confess the latter is an audio book).

I’m optimistic about this hobby. One checked off at least. How many more can I add?

Climbing

• Commitment: medium
• Cost: medium

A friend of mine recently invited me to go indoor rock-climbing and it was good fun. However I quickly rediscovered how out of shape I am. This was a rude reminder about my failed New Year’s resolution from earlier this year.

Despite being out of shape, I did have fun. Figuring out how to successfully complete a section of a wall was a surprisingly engaging challenge.

This hobby worked as a one-off, and the nearest climbing gym is just a 7 minute drive. On paper it seems like it could be repeatable — so what are the costs?

• Any gas I’d use to spend going each time down and back
• $24 per visit or $88 a month if I get a membership

It’s tough to rank this based on cost, since I’m not used to paying this much this often for my hobbies. But I’d guess it seems like a medium amount to pay all things considered?! I don’t know.

This is also an activity I couldn’t do easily with my son early on. So it might turn into something I do to take a parenting break in the future.

I’m unsure about this hobby. I can see myself hyper-fixating on it and getting super into it, but not sure for how long. To be determined.

Piano

• Commitment: medium
• Cost: low

Taking piano lessons for nearly 4 years can stick with you a bit. Every once and a while I might play a little, as long as there’s sheet music, and struggle a little to incorporate the left hand.

We own a portable keyboard that can bust out and play, but I hadn’t touched it for months when it was setup in the house. So it’s in the garage for now.

Perhaps it would be good to pick this up to refine my skills and get into singing and playing songs to my son. Esther is also great at singing and can play a bit herself, so it probably makes sense.

This is something I’m thinking about getting into again. Feeling good about it.

Limiting Screen Usage

The hardest part for me will be forcing myself into situations where using a desktop or laptop computer isn’t an option. Limiting my phone use isn’t necessarily a problem as I’m often frustrated with the inefficiency of the small touch screen input method. As a result I gravitate towards a PC: a form factor designed more ergonomically and with more screen real estate to boot. Consequently, I have computers everywhere in the house.

Thankfully, we have at least one room in the house we can use as a nursery, which which will be screen-free. We just have to watch any mobile phone use there (Esther included!).

Another question to be considering is am I OK with being “bored”? When given an option, the answer is no. But in this case, I imagine there will be numerous boring, tedious, or monotonous moments in parenting I’ll need to endure. And while it’s ultimately in service of the needs of my son, it might not be the worst thing for me either.

In Cal Newport’s book Deep Work which I finished last year, he talks about how constantly stimulating your brain with distractions depletes your energy levels more than you might think, even causing disruptions in your uninterrupted focus time later in the day. The cost of constant distraction isn’t worth it. So if you find yourself waiting in line, maybe instead of distracting yourself on your phone, maybe save your energy take in the surroundings instead.

In the last 10 years, I’ve been extremely mindful about phone usage during mealtimes or during in-person conversations. My tolerance for it is already low, so I will stop speaking if the person with whom I’m talking looks at their phone, and patiently wait for them to finish before I continue. Or if I’m with friends or family at a dinner table, I almost never take my phone out, even if it’s going off like mad.

So I’ve got my phone somewhat under control and have at least one room in the house that’s screen-free, but what about when we finally do want to watch media with our son when he’s old enough?

The Media We Do Watch

When my son is a newborn until about age 1 or so, I won’t have to worry about watching movies or a show in the living room. But eventually, we’ll want to be particularly wary about any high-stimulus media he may be consuming.

I asked /r/predaddit recently about how best to prepare for screen time with my son and got a wide variety of answers. Lots of other dads talked about the struggle to not fall into the screen time trap. It’s worth browsing to read the advice shared.

Something I’m keeping a close eye on is Sherwood Kids, a purportedly low-stimulus media streaming website. When it comes to content my children consume, I’d like to at least curate a safe list of media they can enjoy. I always assumed it would mean organizing some selections of videos, movies, shows, and music and either saving files locally and playing them that way, or even reverting to using DVDs and CDs to keep things simple. But maybe livestreaming options will exist for families who are mindful about the potential harm of screens for kids at an early age.

One thing’s for certain — my son will not be browsing internet videos at his own leisure. Somehow I don’t think I’ll be trusting YouTube’s “For Kids” settings even ten years from now.

I hope to see more services catering to families who are looking to be more mindful about the media their children consume. After all, we’re still studying the long-term effects of all of this screen time on our brains.

It’s Intimidating, But Not Impossible

While it can be overwhelming to think about raising kids in this tech-first world, I don’t think it’s out of the question. The biggest challenge will be reforming my own habits and preferences to prioritize more tangible forms of entertainment and learning that will help my son-to-be’s brain develop. When I consider that aim, I feel more motivated to disconnect.

How his own interests and hobbies evolve is another exciting prospect. Who knows what will capture his imagination and what sorts of things he’ll be passionate about one day! Even if it ends up involving screens, like his dad, that will be OK.